Flamingo languages

Guide to the Best of Gay San Francisco

BEST BAR

The Transfer (198 Church Street @14th St. & Market St)

Having changed ownership in ’06, this former dive bar has exchanged some of its seediness (chickenhawks and hustlers at home in Bukowski’s prose) for the heart of hipster grooves. With rotating dj’s helming such clubs there as “Cockblock” and “Double Dutch Disco” who needs to go the Castro. On any given night, you’ll hear a mixture of Indie rock, Hip Hop Soul, to those cheesy 80’s schlock that’s bound to twitch some misbegotten nostalgia sending the cutest Dykes b-lining from the bar to the dance floor, spilt Pabst’s be damned. Thriftscore ensembles tend to be de riguer so boy’s leave those Abercrombie polos in the hamper.

BEST GYM

Gold’s Gym (2301 Market St)

Of all the gay churches in San Francisco, where men with short hair and waxed, sun-kissed physiques go to congregate before & after work, this gym is about hands down the jewel. No swimming pool or tai chi here; this place is respected by those who want rock hard pecks and washboard abs for the next White Party, Manny Lehman whateva.

BEST BEACHES

Black Sand Beach aka. Bonita Beach (HW 101 North, 1st parking lot, look for Cozelman)

Unfortunately, one needs a car to get to this particular nudie gem as there is no public transportation nearby. If you can manage that prerequisite, all’s well and dandy as all you’ll need is a good pair of hiking boots to hike down from a visually imposing slide, a beach towel, sun block, sunglasses and friendly smiles to dish out to all nude sunbathers checking out the fresh meat. Beautiful black sands and on a clear day, a picturesque vista of S.F. that makes this beach a special one off the beaten trail.

Dolores Park (18th Street & Dolores)

Who needs salty water to dry out your skin? Why not walk to Gay Beach at Dolores Park to sunbath along the lush green slope along its southern perimeter at 20th Street. Impromptu displays of skivvies by both men and women need not bat too many eyelashes from fellow day vacationers; just mind the roving dogs that have no compunction about jumping over derrieres chasing bouncing balls.

BEST LATE MUNCHIES

Sparky’s (242 Church St)

After last call, most hungry night owls know that this is the place to find that vegi-friendly diner open ‘til 4am. Kick back and watch the frenzy of some of the cutest wait staff this side of Amoeba records rush to feed hungry punks, thugs, twinks and baby dykes. Although the White Stripes will be blaring, it’s still a great place to have buzzed conversations with that special trick you picked up at Daddy’s or The Transfer.

BEST FLIRTING

The Lexington (3464 19th St)

Dykes rule here like the Gay 90’s never ended. With the cream of the Mission and SOMA crop, this bar’s got some of the hottest nights with faux hawked, fishnetted go-go dancers titillating to the beats of Le Tigre and Peaches. Don’t worry about being one of the few boys there as you’re in good hands; plus it clarifies your options for the night. 

BEST DANCE

The Cafe (2367 Market Street)

On Monday nights this club has one of the most energetic dance floors in the Bay area, often with a lengthy queue well worth the nipple freezing wait. Suburbanites arrive in droves on the weekends, so it’s best not to get there too late. Don’t expect anything thoughtful from the dj as it’s all Top 40 hits amplified to extract as much perspiration from as many nubile bodies as possible before 2am.
 
BEST DRAG SHOW

Trannyshack (399 9th Street)

This institution is where the boys and girls go to see the best men who look like women who don’t care to be feminine even when they wear what most anatomical women won’t wear anymore this century. Drop by on Tuesday nights and you might see Bjork doing an unannounced guest dj spot (’06), or see the Ladybunny show how the queens in NYC still rule the kingdom. They deserve recognition from all the queer couples that have met here through the years.

BEST CAFE SCENE

Café Flore (2298 Market Street)

Staked at a prominent intersection in the Castro, lies an authentic Parisian import: the cafe. If people watching was a recognized spectator sport, this establishment could be the ultimate training center, all for the price of a cappuccino and a slice of dark chocolate bundt cake. Bring your sunglasses, mobile and fag hag as sitting without at least two of these does not look pretty.

BEST BOOKSTORE

Green Apple Books & Music (506 Clement Street)

Don’t bring your copy of “Giovanni’s Room” from home, stop by this bibliophile’s heaven in San Francisco’s other Chinatown. While you’re there, you can pick up a Wolfgang Tillman’s monograph and a copy of Gwen Stefani’s latest cd, new or used. Getting lost here in the many rooms may be a bit costly as there’s always something interesting to pick up on every shelf.

BEST HUMP & GRIND

Drunk & Horny (Saturdays @Underground SF: 424 Haight Street)

Many a scruffy fag, local and out of towner have walked through these doors only to stumble out after a few hours of criss-crossing a gauntlet of raging hormones and lycra tight drain-pipe Diesels set to funky dance music spun by Big Red. Stick around after last call and you might be invited to a notorious down low after-hours by promoters Jeff & Gary. Pray you’ve got on those almost shredded mesh briefs, the ones you won’t mind loosing in the amber light of dawn.

BEST MORNING AFTER

Tartine Bakery (600 Guerrero Street)

When Belinda Carlisle sang about “Heaven on Earth” this is what it must be like for discernable queers needing something to counteract all those Cosmos and Gimlets from the night before. Beware that this secret’s been let out years ago so you’re gonna have to be a bit patient for your double espresso short and gruyere panini.  Don’t fret, have your friend nab a table outside and you’re set for an easy breezy afternoon.

BEST FUN

Aunt Charlie’s Lounge (133 Turk Street)

It’s getting harder and harder to find a place to pout ‘n sway to Giorgio Moroder and Grace Jones anywhere in the world, so when presented with a club that’ll play both on any given night; go take a walk on the wild side. Yes, it’s in a shady, walk with determination neighbourhood, but it’s like that needle in a haystack for the true experience of queer San Francisco. Blink and you’ll miss the messenger boys in their over screened hoodies smoking at the entrance with their oh so ironic indie princesses, layered mullets hiding cocktails in hands. Dimly lit and narrow enough so that if you totally misfire, just swivel around and it’s almost like it never happened.